read-igion

Adios! (Kind of belated)

2009-12-30T16:06:00.004-05:00

I have moved to:

http://kharlamovaa.wordpress.com/

READ ME NOW or suffer something really painful and smelling like your grandmother.

Seriously.

Ak.

Squeeze me like a key lime - those are little, right?

2009-11-21T15:35:00.000-05:00

I am currently sweating an increasing amount of bodily odour through my clothing, can't swallow, and can barely stand up without my brain feeling like the Westminster bell in my head - clang clang CLANG! Ring a bell?

Ahh, cold season. Now, you might think I'm just describing summer in Canada, but alas, it is fall and, alas, it is cold and wet and grimy and everyone is sick and out of touch with responsibilities. I don't know how the rest of the university (or even normal, working) population handles this season, but my future certainly doesn't bode well according to my current condition. Ie. I have several final essays (all within the distribution range of being worth 25% of my grade) and a part time job and RESP's and bank problems and wisdom teeth and a lack of 2 family members within 2 weeks and exams. Great.

I'm listening to Grace Potter and the Nocturnals in the hopes that their little jazzy numbers will spit some life back into me but so far the sweating is doing a better job of getting me out of bed than artfully played guitar, sadly. Is it ever hot underneath those covers!?

As usual, I never find enough time to play guitar or write anything interesting or creative or even, as of late, READ anything interesting, except when I'm at work and my coworkers stuff a Toronto Sun underneath my nose (a Mississauga woman is suing her boss for bringing a prostitute to a business meeting! Thrilling!). How far things have come from..... well, I guess there never really was a time when I had the time or the money to do all things simultaneously.

My friends all lay forgotten in their far-city crypts like old toys, and I seem to have gotten over the bitterness I had at the beginning of the year for their not having any time for me. Thing is, I don't really have time for them either, and that's not just my spite talking (well, okay, maybe a little bit..). I can't believe I signed up to work for a winter break camp ADDING to my part time job at King Eddies. I mean, I guess money is good and all but I think I'm becoming a workaholic. Maybe it's just easier working instead of being at home, where everyone is always freaking here. It's really been quite a tough transition from residence back home. No privacy, no silence (I know what you're thinking - residence? Silence? Well, to put it bluntly, my house is more raggamuffin-y than my residence at U of T. Everyone's voice carries 500 decibels over what I actually need to hear them, they're always scuttering around asking me questions, trying to feed me, asking me for favours. At res, I could just lock my door and pretend to be out.) It's a tough, loud life.

And I'm sure my comparative essay on Hamlet and Romeo and Juliet isn't going to help matters. But at least I'm writing this instead of playing on omgpop.com - a new obsession of mine (have you ever noticed that throughout the school year you, or I, seem to accrue a significant amount more obsessions than I do in the summer? Fact in point - Ugly Betty, Californication, omgpop.com). It's amazing, there's little monkeys with water balloons. Seriously, this is the best site for online gaming that I have seen in a long time - there's a spiteful version of tetris, a word scramble that makes you feel as though you're actually doing something productive with your procrastination instead of just rearranging letters, and again, did I mention the monkeys with the water balloons?

I know this isn't a whole lot to be concerned with, in the general scheme of things, but I have been doing some deeper pondering/reading as of late, as well!

Case in point: Sam Harris': An Atheist Manifesto. I realize that his view is pretty bleak, but at least it's realistic. I, for one, am Unidentified. I don't want to flip flop with religion and for the past 5 years or so, ever since I have personally started reading about religion (and its' hypocrisies) have been pretty steady in my opinion. But every now and again I watch beautiful, smart people that are kind and gentle and religious and I, despite not particularly wanting to admit this to myself or anyone else, lose a little respect for them. Really? Nobody's going to save the human race. We got ourselves into this shit and in it is where everyone's going to drown.

Hmm, that's a little depressing, and I'm not sure it fully relays what I think, but I'm not really in the mood anymore to write out a full history of my belief. Maybe another time.

Right now, I'm going to go try read some Shakespeare and see if I can link two plays together in some sort of intellectual way that won't make me fail the course.

I'm such a good student. (PS, I will also try to take the books to work and pretend to read them when there's nothing happening and people are watching tv. But I won't be able to so I'll just start rearranging the words and making profanities out of them.) But I will at least have tried, in my weakened state, to help my future self out a little bit.

PPS. Who is kicking Understanding Colour's ass? I am. YEAH BITCH.

Ciao. Ak.

Millenium theatre

2009-11-19T20:43:00.000-05:00

Raised eyebrow.

"What was it that you said that you think you know?"

Ak.

comme des enfants

2009-11-17T23:52:00.000-05:00

You see, she was pulling up these beige coloured stockings over her stocky knees in the blunt light of the midday and it was falling directly on her calves, colouring them like athletes have. A phone rang in the other room, maybe the kitchen, while her fingers were tracing the little hairs on her leg up to her thighs like a crisscrossed, missmatched highway of skin. She was lost in the silkiness of the fabric, or nylon, or plastic or whatever it was she was stretching over these limbs of hers. It was like butter, but better.

She looked up over her left shoulder when she heard a zipper and a belt buckle jangling near where the phone continued its neverending ring. Her hair caught itself on the muscles of her back and she straightened from being bent at the middle and caught a glance of herself in the dark mirror. She liked this darker colour to her hair that she recently put in. It suited her dark eyes and she liked having the camouflage available in case the opportunity ever came. Plus, red lipstick was a solid fight with her eyes now, not just an overpowering lover.

"Salaam, chetori baba?"

Murmur, she remembered a book by Munsch or someone that has something to do with murmuring, how silky it was. Murmur murmur.

-Ak.

All the stars, they shine so bright in the front row

2009-11-08T21:26:00.000-05:00

Oh man, it's already been a week since my last post and everything has collapsed upside downwards since then. How nice.

Turns out that I don't have time to get my wisdom teeth pulled till after the new year since that is when I plan on getting hammered and eating shit, instead of eating through a straw and downing antibiotics. Also, I am, of course, behind on my assignments, yet surprisingly on time with my readings. Still not sure whether my tutorial leader has H1N1 still, but am not sure what to do if she does? Ie. Do I fail? Does she fail? Does she get fired? Does she die?

Er, er.

No no, I wouldn't wish that upon anybody.

Another thing to note: drunken men are scary pieces of shit. And I swear a lot more now. Also - boys have problems. Big mental man problems. They look like the fucking Undertaker (wrestling, and I know this because of my job, thank you very much) but sitting in a pink dress and bawling, with no teeth.

Absolutely no self restraint. Is it society that has made me despise the view of a grown man crying uncontrollably? Highly possible, but also possible irreversible? I mean, who am I to question society's standards (err...), and go against the common grain of humanity? Well, I guess I am a writer. But it is hard to override instincts in yourself, they are programmed in there pretty well due to life experiences, stereotypes and learned biases against men and weakness. "Boys Don't Cry" is even a freaking Hollywood movie. I'm not sure what it's about, and it's possible that it is in fact about the opposite of this fact, or about a male ballerina or something, overall proving men's inherent femininity, but it doesn't stop the pressure on men at all. In fact, it probably increases it because now they feel like they have to prove themselves even more.

But I'm sure someone's writing a thesis about this in their bedroom somewhere, I'm just not the one to delve into subjects like this with no abandon. I need to be prepared. And to be honest, I have no interest in being prepared. I have shit to do, and I don't care about why men are supposed to "not" cry. I know that I don't particularly enjoy when my significant other bawls in front of me unabashedly and I am supposed to sit there and comfort him while he's telling me he wants to be alone and to go away. I am just not that interested in situations like that, even accounting for his hard past. Buckle up, bud.

Buckle up. And bring me a sandwich.

Mmmm.... ardent feminism, the stench is overwhelming. I also feel very strong when he cries. What does that say about me? Am I evil?

The possibilities are endless.

Ciao. Ak.

I don't want to do any more porn.

2009-11-01T23:58:00.000-05:00

I don't know about you guys but I like to waste a lot of my time procrastinating doing things that I actually don't mind doing, but often require harder work than what I do while procrastinating - which is watch tv online.

My newest addiction is Californication. Oh David Duchovny, I hear you are actually a sex addict, which is fun. Either way, Cokey Smurf is possibly my favourite character of all time and Uncle Runkle is a creepier, bald, unattractive version of Duchovny but attempts to be highly dysfunctional and succeeds.

Oh man this show is good, and not just because there's actual nudity in it.

Back to your regular scheduled programming!

Ciao. Ak.

I guess I'll try in the decline

2009-10-29T15:02:00.001-04:00

Sometimes watching tv shows makes me happier and sometimes it just makes me low. :( I mean, I really love this tv show called Californication though, there's a lot more rawness in it than say, Gossip Girl. In fact, after being away from my computer for so long and being forced to not watch this shit, I feel like I don't even want to anymore. Maybe I will do catch up sessions during the winter break whilst studying for exams? I believe so. Currently, I am only relying upon: Grey's Anatomy, Californication, The Office, and How I Met Your Mother (3 of which are just half hour episodes, so that like, barely counts). Also maybe 90210, maybe.

I wonder why writing this is so much easier than writing essays. I'm writing one about an inter-chapter in Hemingway's In Our Time. The writing itself is fantastic, it's just finding the meaning behind it that can be a little bit tricky.

I'm going to type it out here for your reading pleasure, because I think it's gorgeous and unconventional and so so strong.

Chapter V:

"They shot the six cabinet ministers at half-past six in the morning against the wall of a hospital. There were pools of water in the courtyard. There were wet dead leaves on the paving of the courtyard. It rained hard. All the shutters of the hospital were nailed shut. One of the ministers was sick with typhoid. Two soldiers carried him downstairs and out into the rain. They tried to hold him up against the wall but he sat down in a puddle of water. The other five stood very quietly against the wall. Finally the officer told the soldiers it was no good trying to make him stand up. When they fired the first volley he was sitting down in the water with his head on his knees."

Isn't that stunning? I just wish I knew what it meant. Maybe there's something there about the water, about typhoid. The biggest thing I got was the duality of things: ministers vs. hostages, hospitals vs. execution grounds, soldiers vs. supporters. Then there's an obvious softening in tone. And also the repetition of the courtyard - the fenced in-ness of it all. The rain? Sitting in it? All of the things we can't escape from in war. Some of us can handle it, and some of us revert to our other personas. It's all very hard to trace into a single point.

Anyway, I also read about Olenka & the Autumn Lovers on blogTO and myspaced them - just up my alley! Very Beirut-y with Eastern European influences + folkness. I enjoy. (Also the guitar here is great!) [Which reminds me, my guitar teacher quit the school I was at and I am at a loss of what to do since I don't like any other people there. Do I leave the school? I would love to take private lessons with him. I feel bad for my parents but it's really the school the pulled the rug out from under me. Kind of gay if you ask me, but more on this next time.]

And now, off to trace all of this to a single point.

Ciao. Ak.

Sebastiannnneee!

2009-10-29T01:26:00.000-04:00

So, my macbook is fixed? What? Omg.

Seriously, it works without a wire now. It's like it's gifted to me all over again. I feel I can breathe again. I don't know about the dvd drive but OMG. I CAN CARRY IT TO PLACES NOW, like the bathroom (heehee!).

I MISSED YOU, sebastian.

What a great gift for such a shitty week.

Oh. Oh, sweet memory.

Ciao. Ak.

We are drifting away, farther every day

2009-10-24T16:16:00.000-04:00

Soon we'll have nothing to say
We'll be too far away..

It's so conventional. So to the point. Convention - say what you mean and mean what you say. Dr Seuss even got it: "Don't mind the matter because those that matter don't mind."

But they do.

I have so much to do, and everything is unraveling. Ball of string and a kitten. That's my life right now. Am I the kitten? Do I unravel? Am I the unraveler or the unravelee? Sane/insane - good/evil. We are all a little bit of all of it. If it is matter, we are matter. We are string. We tumble. We are colours. We are soft and used for bondage. We create. We keep warm. We are useless in all aspects.

One thing out of context can create entire worlds. Words. Universes crumbling under the weight of a molecule.. collapsing into themselves, turned inside out and vulnerable like skin. Nothing you can do, nothing you can change. What is the point of it all?

I love with the tips of my fingers, my eyes and my stomach. I criticize with my tongue and my wrists and ankles. I balance out. Do I? I try. Nothing you can do, nothing you can change. "Just leave me alone, shut up."

"Just leave me alone, shut up."

"Would you do this to anybody else?"

Door slams echoing across the mountains of the city.

Cab rides.

"Just leave me alone, shut up."

I too hold questions in my palms when they cup under my belly. Water hurling down my breasts, my chest, my ribs like spears with aims. My palms holding questions like encyclopedias, palm facing out, the triplet, mind body spirit, mind body spirit, exhale.

Stretch. This is all a stretch at fitting into convention. What do we try to do when we connect with other human beings? Do we list things that are similar? What is the basis of relation to one another? What is the foundation of our want to know each other? Where does the fascination come from? What drives it? How do we relate? For what purpose? Where and in what does it aid us? Where and in what does it hurt us?

The next week is going to be depressing, of course. It's like a six month cycle. That's not far enough apart for me. Or maybe birthdays bring this about - that's something to look into.

"Just leave me alone, shut up."

"I am showing you I love you, what are you doing? What are you doing?"

I am leaving. Are you happy now?

Does this make you feel better?

Is this what you wanted? Because if it's not, explain to me. I am not the victim but I am not stupid either. And I am not as patient as you would have me prove. I am not this patient and it is barely even ragged anymore. Presentable. Logical. Safe.

There are very little things off about you. There are bigger things off about me. But I am not going to be the martyr here.

I want to be the evangelist. Publisher of good tidings. I want to be able to be what I represent but sometimes I am not. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

How is this working? Is this a working relationship?

Palms are just flooded with it.

When do you know to end something?

Ciao. Ak.

I don't love you. Hey, wait, don't leave, it's just a song!

2009-10-17T00:48:00.000-04:00

So I went downtown and drank away my youthfulness and then had a heck of a morning watching Persian football with the boyfriend and eating a scrumptious and much waited for spicy Italian sub. Mmm... sub.

Gregorii Leps - I Don't Love You

Also, that song is fantastic. His other stuff is a little too much rock 'n' random for me, but this one is ACE. It's so cute too, because the whole point is that he OBVIOUSLY does love her ( I mean, if you can read/speak Russian and know what the lyrics mean, of course. OR if you find the lyrics on google and then translate them using a translator. You can do that too, but I'd rather you just learn Russian because it's awesome.) Sigh.

Lots of work to do for some reason - English, English, English - SCIENCE?! I feel like I haven't done anything this week, fuck me. Seriously, I think I need to do like all of my homework tomorrow... before 5 pm hahah. When I have to go to work hardcore. I'm working 5-close tomorrow and 11:30-close (ie. 11) on Sunday. And then a crazyyy hectic day Monday. Tuesday is my weekend. Mmm... Tuesday.

Okay well I'm going to go read something or something right now, or just talk to my boyfriend on messenger. What is he doing home so early? Suspicious.

Ciao. Ak.

Russian songs about sugar and dots and other things

2009-10-15T12:26:00.000-04:00

UGHHH I need to shower.

I don't know if you do this: but I put off doing household/important/school things when I don't know what I want to do for the rest of the day. As in, I wanted plans last night but now I just want to stay home in the warmth and dance to Replay (ie check last post). But it IS sunny outside.

Maybe I should go shower.

Goddamnit.

Should I go for a free dance class tonight? Or should I go downtown tomorrow? Or should I do some form of homework? Or should I just sit in my room, breathing? Should I list all of the moles in my body in descending order?

So many choices, so little time.

Ciao. Ak.

Nananana every day, like my ipod stuck on replay

2009-10-15T03:05:00.000-04:00

I don't know if being in a relationship is as great as everyone makes it out to be. Sometimes people get just too damn attached to each other and lose track of life. Or just one person does, which is even worse. And the other just goes on with their life along with the added benefit of casual sex and an open ear. People depend too fully on each other and I don't know if that's right. Maybe young people should be out there, fornicating wildly and being young? Maybe long term relationships from young ages aren't smart. And maybe they are.

I don't know. I guess I just want to be less attached. Less absolved. Less dependent.

I love him to death though. It's just hard sometimes.

Ciao. Ak.

PS. Iyaz - Replay -happiest song of life.

The strings attached to everything

2009-10-11T13:12:00.000-04:00

I'm really starting to love playing guitar. It's incredibly therapeutic. And the classical style (finger-picking) is just... amazing. It's all I want to do - I feel like that was how guitar was always meant to be played. That and chords. Oh, G chord, how I love thee! Eminor! C! So fantastic. I love Aminor too. Oh oh oh.

As for everything else, OW bikini wax today but it'll be worth it? For something? I'm sure? Clearly I have a lot of confidence in my decisions - but I thought it might be nice to, you know, handle the jungle.

Maybe that was too much information. Hmmm... ah well, I'll post it anyway.

Yesterday was a B-E-A-utiful autumn day. It was perfect weather, the cold crispness that comes with winter and yet a wonderful temperature, no wind, sunshine sunshine sunshine. I went out for brunch with some of my friends and then for a walk. It was mighty therapeutic. I think. I have some other thoughts about it but those I'll keep to myself for now, I think. I think a lot.

Then I went to work - it was dead last night. Like deathly dead. Like somebody came around and hit everyone in the head with a hammer dead and nobody showed up because they were dead dead. We ended up closing at 9:30 - what!?

Yeah, it was crazy. Today is the beginning of thanksgiving feasts. To be honest, I know nothing about thanksgiving and I don't really care and I don't have any sort of sentimental attachment to it. Except that now I will forever remember a faint stinging in my genitals on Thanksgiving weekend. That sounds like I have like herpes or something, doesn't it? Well. You win some you lose some. Haha.

I don't have herpes.

I'm going to go play some guitar and then make a list of what I have to do on this reading week of mine for school. What - a - plan! Also, thanksgiving at Faye's later. :) I lurve Faye (Firouzeh), she's awesome.

Ciao. Ak.

Are you pushing me off the phone? No, let's talk for a long time.

2009-10-09T14:35:00.001-04:00

You know what I was thinking: what would be cooler than an encyclopedia of historic people's lives?

I know I'm a big lamer but that's like my life goal now. Seriously. That would be the best book EVER.

Uh, yeah. I also finished my poetry essay and handed it in today! Huzzah! AND NOW IT IS READING WEEK.

I look forward to alcohol, perhaps sleep?

Ciao. Ak.

PS. Every time I pull my AE pants down for a whiz I see the word skinny emblazoned on the inside of my left hip: hopeful inspiration or annoying reminder? I still haven't made up my mind, but either way, they should call skinny jeans something other than skinny, just for fun. Or something.

A place that I miss

2009-10-04T14:25:00.000-04:00

Maybe what I do isn't enough.
Maybe I'm too bitter, too angry at all of the people I feel fail me.
Maybe that ruins me, the good parts of me for everyone and that is why everyone keeps their distance. Maybe I hate people too quickly,
Maybe I resent their non-presence,
Maybe things for me aren't as easy as they seem to everyone
Maybe I don't take things easy
Maybe I take meaning from the things people do and say
Maybe I don't want to be otherwise
Maybe I think interpreting silences and words makes sense
Maybe I am too emotional
Maybe people should care more about their actions
Maybe people should care more about their inaction,
Maybe I should stop caring.

I don't think that this makes me a bad person - caring what my friends do, what my boyfriend says, when my parents aren't there. Maybe I care too much about it all, I let it hurt me. I need to become stronger. Being attached to one person like that, I've let my guard down, I've let my fleshy bits drip into pirana-infested waters. I'm not saying people are piranas, although they are, and that metaphor has been overused like an old prostitute. Ah, well. I just feel like all people do lately is let me down because maybe I set my expectations too high. I guess it's easy to transfer your expectations onto one person when everyone else dips below the expected. Maybe that makes it too difficult for him to be with me - I don't know. Maybe I expect too much of him, maybe I expect too much of everyone. But I feel awfully secluded.

I feel less lonely with books, with music. I've even realized that I'm into an indie version of country music. Check me out. I'm growing all by myself, within myself. Maybe that's the way I'm supposed to be: solitary. If that's the way I work, then why not, I guess? It just seems like such a lonely life. Being a writer is glamourized but I think that it's anti-social. I think it's voyeuristic and has nothing to do with your own experience. I feel trapped inside my life sometimes, I don't have chances to be someone different, in a different setting, with different hobbies and friends. Sometimes that's all I want to be: a vegetarian cooking vagabond in Southern France with marijuana smoking friends and several rotating lovers with no genital diseases - a few dogs and a horse and a vineyard. Not a vulnerable university transfer student in a middle class suburb in Ontario, Canada with a passion for reading and writing but none for editing. I want East. I want sea. I want nicer people and better friends. Older friends. I think I like working more than I like socializing with my so-called friends, simply because of the range of people I get to talk to and be around - even if they are all dirty bastards, at least sex is something new and vulgar. At least it's something.

Down the street from temptation,
Another world might be closer than this.
Another world might be simpler than this -
this type of people that I don't understand.
Maybe it's ennui again,
Maybe it's me.

Ciao. Ak.

I'm just saving myself: cuz you know you're clear.

2009-10-03T16:04:00.000-04:00

Last night was a lot of fun: Plaza Flamingo and dancing and just having a good time. It was strange because there weren't that many people there.. but whatever. I work Saturdays so they can suck it.

Now however, I feel like shit, a little bit haha, and I have to work in an hour. Before that I wanted to get to thing, uh, Party Packagers and return that thing I bought for Paya kind of and kind of for Halloween. When I read this over later all I have to remember is sequins and I will remember what I am talking about because I don't want to be explicit and because somebody I know could be reading this blog and that would be rather embarrassing. Well not embarrassing but it would definitely ruin the surprise. And I don't want that.

I have to remember to book a waxing thing before reading week. IE ARINA: CALL MARKVILLE MALL after you find out your plans, okay? I know I'm going to forget, but at least I attempted to remind myself. On my blog... *cough*.. whatever.

So yeah basically, I wish I could stay home today, but I am working and I need money... I had like so much 2 days ago and then all of a sudden BAM nothing. It's funny because I deposited money and then the next day took nearly all of it out. Boo me and my awful planning.

I really need to start putting money away into my account so that I DON'T take it out after 2 days... it will have to be my stash.

In fact, if I had an option right now, I would work half of the week and study half of the week, but this crazy schedule kind of wears me out right now. I would like to work maybe Thursday nights, or Tuesdays? It would help me get more sleep. Because as it is right now, I am TOTALLY dead on Thursdays because I end up getting like what, maybe 5 hours of sleep? And then Thursday nights I am too tired to stay up really late, which sucks because I like going out.

Anyway, my hair is wet because I JUST had a shower, so I need to go dry that shit before I go.

I think I'm going to have a burger tonight and sign up for the gym Tuesday. I was trying to coerce Paya to do ballroom dancing with me at York - it's pretty cheap and once a week. But I don't think he's gonna bite. But I have to do something active at least, because I mean, well. Yeah, I want to.

Okay well that is my life right now. I think I'm listening to Sarah Harmer? Something like that - she's AMAZING. Love it - thanks to Lucie who burned this cd for me. What a doll.

Ciao. Ak.

Focussss

2009-10-02T16:23:00.000-04:00

I suck at doing homework, really bad sometimes. Ie. I am sometimes really shitty at getting to work and not procrastinating. As in, I have 2 assignments that need doing, andddddddd I have not started either, annnndddddd all I can do is think about my outfit for salsa dancing tonight and where I'm going to sleep afterwards.

Is it weird to sleep in your friends room with your boyfriend? It probably is eh? Yeah. Maybe we'll just take the blue line up to Paya's house and sleep there.

Oh yeah, and maybe I should play some guitar too.... hmm... sometimes I have so much time and I just waste it ALL. Wow. Really.

Oh man. What a day. I'm hungry again, too.

Ciao. Ak.

What is it about fall?

2009-09-27T21:46:00.001-04:00

I don't know. Maybe it's the chill, maybe the wind, maybe the endless hours of shopping for winter coats. But it makes me feel a little bit more alone than usual. I mean, I'm not really lonely, but it is now that I realize my aloneness all the more abruptly.

It makes me realize that time passes, and quickly, and that I have very little great things to hold on to. But they are great things, and I should hold on to them as tightly as I possibly can. I just don't want to feel like I'm grasping at air, and sometimes that's exactly how I feel: like there is nothing for me to hold on to when I'm fainting.

I feel like maybe this is the period in my life when things are transitory, but then again, maybe it isn't. Before I used to think that everything stopped at middle age: it was a preconception I had of my future, I would build up parts of it until I got a perfect whole, and then, then I would be done. But it doesn't work like that, from what I can see. You work at things your whole life - creating them, fixing them, losing them. And it doesn't get any easier and nobody gives you any tips because you never reach a level like you do in a video game. Every single time it is hard and you have to claw your way into it and claw down to keep yourself in it, and sometimes it just feels exhausting. And sometimes, it is just nothing.

People get married and people become single parents and people are lost, everywhere. On tv shows, in movies, in real life, even. Even in real life people don't have a clue what to do and that was never written in in a script - it is just the way it is. So sometimes, I feel like life is exactly like trying to decipher a poem in my first year English class: finding meaning where none exists. Now, I generally tend to lean on the optimistic side of things, but sometimes I can't help myself. Negativity is my poison, if you shall say. It is what I prefer to lean on when things aren't making sense or just.... happening.

I think that I've already been through this, that's what makes this so frustrating: I've already had these doubts... now I thought things were supposed to move forward? Or something?

Apparently it doesn't work like that either.. I guess things that eat away at you don't just go away because you give them some thought - they just develop and eat away at your subconscious. If I were to put it in literal terms, I would name all the same things I always do: nobody has any time nowadays. Including more specifically my best friends. Especially one, and the other one too and sometimes I think I am good at pushing people away.

Real good.

But I can't tell because no matter how hard I try, I'm always stuck inside my brain. I just wish somebody would psychoanalyze me. I really should go talk to a psychologist because sometimes it's hard to make sense of your own life by yourself. Like for example: why did I stop illegally downloading music? I don't know. Why have I pushed away hundreds of people in the past 10 years or so? Was it me growing up? Was it prejudice? Was it self-loathing? I wish I knew.

Anyway, it's time to go describe the beginning of the universe.

Somehow, even though my boyfriend dropped by today and gave me a hug and a kiss and told me he loved me, I am feeling a little down. Maybe it's the hormonal imbalance - ie. my period. It probably is, I just hate feeling like this so often.

Ciao. Ak.

runaway, "something something"

2009-09-26T11:19:00.001-04:00

I'm watching Runaway Bride, it's Saturday morning and I have guitar in 2 hours or so, and I still need to practice. Maybe I'm not "on top of" things as much as I think I am, but I like things the way they are, even if I get a voice whipping from Risgar every week about not practicing enough.

I'm downloading all of the shows I missed during the week.

Aka, wasting time.

But really, this movie is pretty damn great. I mean, hoooly moly Julia Roberts. The 90s really was the best decade EVER. I'm so glad I was born in the 90s. Yay me and my youthful appearances and outlooks.

Life keeps me busy between work, school, and homework. It just feels like a constant scheduling of life into the hours that I have free. Also, the weather is getting colder and I need a coat, because the one I have is rather chilly, or too warm. I went to Fairview with Paya yesterday but he didn't dig anything that I was looking at, which is pretty boo, but he's a boy, so what'm'I gonna do? Just go with my mom lol.

Well that's about all the time I can spare... either I should go shower now... or just sit and relax and watch Runaway Bride. I definitely think I should go shower, but chances are I'm just going to sit here and do nothing. Apart from watch this movie. But a shower will take such a little time....

I think I will go shower, quickly, at the next commercial break. Yes.

Congratulations to me for being.. responsible? Multitasking? Whatever.

Ciao. Ak.

mun mun munch contest.

2009-09-23T00:20:00.001-04:00

Well, today was pretty good. Went to the dentist. No cavities. Hurrah.

Thinking about joining MUN at York? People seemed cool, although time slot for weekly meetings isn't. But might be a good thing to get involved in. Also entering a poetry contest through the Town of Markham. Hopeful?

Excited?

Nervous.

That was today.

Ciao. Ak.

facebook flashbacks.

2009-09-21T16:03:00.001-04:00

I don't know about you guys, but when I look back on pictures of a few years ago it seems like I'm looking at a totally different person. Sometimes it's hard for me to connect the dots from the nerdy high-schooler scrambling out of depression and friend troubles to the happy, confident and purposeful woman I feel like I am today. Maybe these feelings come out of reflection, or breaking down and taking apart things in my life - but the truth is you never really notice your progress in your everyday life until you stop feeling okay and you are looking for reasons to cheer yourself up. Or maybe just fall on it accidentally. Either way, this sort of stuff just makes me happy sometimes. Especially since it is such an opposing feeling to last night - NOT a good night by any means.

It turns out that while I was working Saturday night, we had a semi-autumnal wind chill come in at nighttime and while outside cleaning tables I caught a massive sickness. Ie. my throat is swollen up, my head was pounding and my body ached. Therefore after the interesting, although too Jesus-y trip to the boyfriend's church yesterday afternoon (about which my father will never know because it will spur an eternal discussion and reminders on Christianity, and I'm sick of it as it is now), all I wanted was some r&r. My boyfriend as it turns out was also feeling rather weird and had to go get some food for his empty belly.

So, due to that unfortunate event, I stayed home from my busiest school day today in order to reinstate myself to my healthy state. Now, as the hour of lunch approaches and after a season of Canada's Next Top Model watched on skimpy, although rather good quality youtube clips, I decided to check my facebook for a blast to the past. And as a further introduction into my life I have provided some pictures to show my transformation into the pretty successful weirdo I am today, a person on her way to becoming someone important, or great, or.. well, just pleasant and interesting to be around.

Well, the earliest pictures I have (digital camera ones anyway), is from when I went to Europe in grade 10. Paris, Barcelona... it was beautiful, but I was pretty messed up emotionally at the time.

Then came my natural hair, cut short. I've had these periods where I would let my hair grow long (but never as long as before when it reached my butt), and then I cut it incredibly short and pose in a really gay manner. I can't say I was cool yet, but I spent a lot of time on MSN. Those two things go together.

At this point in time I really liked playing with my haircolours - I had purple, blue, green, red, blonde, dark, everything! It was my time to play, and as my mom said later: it's not like I could really do that in my future job (assuming it was boring and required boring boringness).

Alas, this next picture was probably one of the few nice times I've had with my dad. As you will find out more and more as I post more and more, my dad and I don't particularly get along very well. It's been steadily improving since I was 13 and had a dip at 16 and a few other instances, but generally, we're okay. I don't like saying bad things about him on the internet, or others for that matter, but let's just say we don't get along very well.

Another thing is that at that time I was in pretty good shape due to dancing. I used to take dance classes all the time until I just got really bored of the people in those classes. I tried again in university but I lost some of that interest. As a result, I've let myself out a little bit.

This is not one of my worst moments. But the one coming up - was. Semi formal, grade 10. Backstabbing. Jealousy. Tears, and yet I pull it off in a beautiful dress. One of the most awful memories of high school, but now that I look back on it, one of the most defining of myself as a person as well.

This next picture is one of my sister. We're 11 years apart and we have issues haha. She is daddy's girl and I am mum's. She has an incredibly difficult personality that is getting all the harder to handle now that she understands so much more - she's now 8 years old and a complete brat. Rarely does she ever revert to her sweet inner child. But, she is my sister, and I love her nonetheless.

As for my past jobs: I've worked at Tim's, a giant Canadian coffee chain as a first job. After that hellish experience I moved on to Gap, which was okay but not my life long dream, let's put it that way. And after Gap, I did a summer camp. It was great - I worked with wonderful kids and I loved every moment of being outside and spending time with darling little wonders, but it was a big summer full of change for me - I decided once and for all that my best friend for a while had lost her charm and her chances with me and I called it quits. That summer was also my comeback to a relative love life coming from the heartbreak of my grade 10 summer. I also got in touch with nature, a little bit.

After that came grade 12 - something that changed a good portion of my life in many different ways. That was when I fell in love with my history teacher, and through my adoration of him discovered the passionate world of politics and debating; when I discovered spoken word and the power of poetry from my incredible English teacher, and started building myself up into a person I was content with. My friends were few but fabulous, and are still friends of mine to this day, and I am better off with everything that happened.

It was a busy year, but one I used to my full extent. And at the end of it, and for my 18th birthday, my parents gave me an incredible gift: a trip to my birthplace and the homestead of more than half of my extended family, including my grandparents (mom's side), my uncles and aunts and cousins. It was incredible and I still wish to go back every summer and spend more and more time discovering the country that birthed me and placed such a solid foundation to my morals. This is me with my grandmother standing in front of the Tverskaya Art Gallery - a wonderful and quiet and gallant place. Generally, I'm not so tan - but that was thanks to a week in Jamaica that my parents had also gifted to our family.

After an eventful and relaxing summer, I had moved into residence at the University of Toronto. While spending a lot of time studying, and getting good grades as a result, I felt like I missed out on the university experience in my first year. Maybe it was the fact that I was so closed to the people I was living with, or maybe I was just going through some sort of transformation, but one way or another, I just didn't feel stable there. While all of that was true, through all of the bullshit I waded through, I found some really superb people to be around that helped me survive it. It's a shame I left them this year, but I feel like my move to York reflects the real life that I want to have. The program makes more sense to me and makes me happier than U of T and I am enjoying the balance of things.

This is one of my great friends, Ferah. Although me and her have trouble making plans to see each other, and therefore haven't seen each other since the beginning of U of T exams at the beginning of April... we love each other lots (and MISS each other lots.)

I think that's a general fucking overview of my life as I remember it. So many more things went into it than I can mention, but if you're looking for a draft - this would be it. Now, I'm confident in my skills - as a writer, yes, as a performer, still not quite. I'm improving in my people skills and I'm landing jobs that I feel I'm ready for and can form to my advantage. I love my boyfriend beyond belief, although we have had our share of fights too, and I am just happy with life.

The only other event I've missed out is the passing away of my grandmother this summer, June 3, 2009. While I don't particularly want to go into details, all I'm going to say is that it was incredibly hard and tolling on my entire family and I don't believe I've still faced the reality of it. She still crosses my mind often reminding me of things she's said or advised or believed in. 2009 has been a hard year, but one that I've found has caused me to grow more than all of the others combined. That's a big statement considering all of the drama I've lived through. But all of that you'll heard about in pieces, later on.

For now, it's time to go make some lunch, and do some reading for the school I'm missing as I write this.

Ciao. Ak.

under the rails and over my breath.

2009-09-20T15:11:00.000-04:00

Well, it appears as though I am a zealous hoarder. Apart from that I am many things, including at this very moment just disappointed in myself. But I don't take much to being excluded out of a cult that is my father and sister. That's fucked up. First of all - mine is mine and yours is yours and when I specifically ask you not to kill someone, write on something, eat something or touch else things, I mean it - I'm generally not fucking kidding around. And if I am, you'll know.

Agh, maybe I was being stupid but I hate that instantaneous, "Arina, don't embarass yourself."

Well, fuck you.

I just need to commence growling really low and scratch something. Maybe I will turn into a tiger today - maybe that is the day. A Bengal tiger like in Life of Pi, which was so good! I had to read it for my Professional Writing class, and I really loved it - the torturous mood along with scientific leanings and foreign accents and local ports just really touch a place in my heart. Plus the whole ordeal is so reminiscent of things I know about people close to me. It's unbelievable. It seems like a lot of people go through whole fucking seas of shit to come to Canada, and then when they get here, all they get is just Stephen Harper and "OntarioWorks" and loans and welfare and the fucking cold weather. And then they want to go back, if there's anything to go back to.

I mean, I'm sure there's something other here. I know it, but sometimes I'm just tired of proving it to myself. I feel like all this country is is a bunch of yahoos with nothing better to do but wear warm clothing, do drugs and start drama. Maybe Europe is more racist but it is more lively. Maybe one is better than the other. Maybe not.

I am just really frustrated.

As for me, all you invisible readers out there - well, I'm 19, I go to York University in Ontario, Canada and I am typing this on a broken macbook. I spilled sprite on it when my boyfriend was over at my residence at the end of last year at U of T. I went there for my first year, and I mean, I liked it - I just like this better. I made a lot of good friends there, which now seem completely irreplaceable. That kind of makes me sad, seeming as York is just full of beautiful people trying too hard to dress themselves up, but at the same time, maybe I will stand out among that lot? That's probably pretty egotistical, but it's just a thought. I just haven't found a lot of substance there yet, you know? I'm still looking. And I will for a long time I'm sure.

I work at a tiny Pub down the road from me. I work with wonderful people and I serve dirty old wonderful men. They are regularly great. And I make great tips! I just recently landed this job after a summer of working at an art gallery camp with some of the most amazing women I've met in a while. It's a shame none really stayed back. It was incredibly painful to disband our team. I really wish that they were all still here, and that I could get to know them more. But, I can't. They're off in Europe or other universities and I will have to see them whenever I can.

I live in a quiet suburb near some of my middle school friends who I barely speak to anymore and my 2 high school history teachers, one of which I was deathly in love/lust with till the beginning of university, and still get flutters about when I see. It's nice here, but a little boring. There's strip malls all around and a nice public school nearby. We have lots of trees and a park 2 minutes away.

My boyfriend, who I met at my high school crush's youth group is a kaleidoscope and a half. He is Persian, and part Jewish. He used to be Muslim, Christian and now more or less agnostic. He is kindhearted and loud and incredibly social. He can talk his way in and out of anything. He's also rather hairy, and he grows a nice shadow every day or so, which I absolutely adore. He's scruffy and he dresses well and we're both trying to get to the gym more (ergo, at all). He's also pretty much a genius - he can do math equations and bank accounts (not yet, but soon, I'm sure) and science in a jiff. Whereas I can paint, write and play the guitar.

We are pretty oil & water but we make it work. In fact, in February '10 it's going to be 2 years that we've been hanging on to each other. I'll tell you the story of our Beginning another day - it's a long one. Needless to say (for me, but I guess not for you), we've had a lot of firsts together, and I don't mean The First First, although we had that too, but that might be too much information. Anyway, we've done that flying on a string thing at Wonderland, he's made me try shisha (oh my sweet goodness of life how tasty tobacco can be!), I took him to an art museum and a debate about God. We went away to Picton at the beginning of September and it already seems like ages ago. For those of you not reading in Canada, Picton is situated in a tiny island in the middle of the St. Lawrence river and it is basically your idea of a small, sweet picturesque town - kind of like in Gilmore Girls. In fact, very much like Gilmore Girls.

The trip was magical and great - we did a day of wine tasting which was wonderful and eye-opening.

But anyway, he's here to pick me up. He's taking me to his church! We'll see how that goes hahaha... I'm sure I will let you know though!

Ciao. Ak.

deutsch spelling crosswords and dropped pickles

2009-09-20T02:55:00.000-04:00

This is my first attempt-age at a blog. Hopefully this will go smoother than livejournal has. Maybe I will like posting here more. Or maybe it will just be like an online diary. That would be nice too.

I would tell you guys about me but I'm too tired and it's 3 AM and I really need to get to bed. Perhaps tomorrow I will discuss my innerness.

Ciao. Ak.