What is it about fall?

I don't know.  Maybe it's the chill, maybe the wind, maybe the endless hours of shopping for winter coats.  But it makes me feel a little bit more alone than usual.  I mean, I'm not really lonely, but it is now that I realize my aloneness all the more abruptly.

It makes me realize that time passes, and quickly, and that I have very little great things to hold on to.  But they are great things, and I should hold on to them as tightly as I possibly can.  I just don't want to feel like I'm grasping at air, and sometimes that's exactly how I feel: like there is nothing for me to hold on to when I'm fainting.

I feel like maybe this is the period in my life when things are transitory, but then again, maybe it isn't.  Before I used to think that everything stopped at middle age: it was a preconception I had of my future, I would build up parts of it until I got a perfect whole, and then, then I would be done.  But it doesn't work like that, from what I can see.  You work at things your whole life - creating them, fixing them, losing them.  And it doesn't get any easier and nobody gives you any tips because you never reach a level like you do in a video game.  Every single time it is hard and you have to claw your way into it and claw down to keep yourself in it, and sometimes it just feels exhausting.  And sometimes, it is just nothing.

People get married and people become single parents and people are lost, everywhere.  On tv shows, in movies, in real life, even.  Even in real life people don't have a clue what to do and that was never written in in a script - it is just the way it is.  So sometimes, I feel like life is exactly like trying to decipher a poem in my first year English class: finding meaning where none exists.  Now, I generally tend to lean on the optimistic side of things, but sometimes I can't help myself.  Negativity is my poison, if you shall say.  It is what I prefer to lean on when things aren't making sense or just.... happening.

I think that I've already been through this, that's what makes this so frustrating: I've already had these doubts... now I thought things were supposed to move forward?  Or something?

Apparently it doesn't work like that either.. I guess things that eat away at you don't just go away because you give them some thought - they just develop and eat away at your subconscious.  If I were to put it in literal terms, I would name all the same things I always do: nobody has any time nowadays.  Including more specifically my best friends.  Especially one, and the other one too and sometimes I think I am good at pushing people away.

Real good.

But I can't tell because no matter how hard I try, I'm always stuck inside my brain.  I just wish somebody  would psychoanalyze me.  I really should go talk to a psychologist because sometimes it's hard to make sense of your own life by yourself.  Like for example: why did I stop illegally downloading music?  I don't know.  Why have I pushed away hundreds of people in the past 10 years or so? Was it me growing up? Was it prejudice? Was it self-loathing?  I wish I knew.

Anyway, it's time to go describe the beginning of the universe.

Somehow, even though my boyfriend dropped by today and gave me a hug and a kiss and told me he loved me, I am feeling a little down.  Maybe it's the hormonal imbalance - ie. my period.  It probably is, I just hate feeling like this so often.

Ciao. Ak.